My suggestions address the challenges of living a civil life now, in our global era of interdependences: we live in a shared world of tenuous climate, economic fragilities, social injustices, and health challenges. It is to our benefit to build coalitions of kindness, coalitions that act as stabilizing forces in the contentiousness of political rancor. The standards below are centered in the American spirit of self-improvement that Benjamin Franklin defined in his Book of Virtues in 1791.

Acknowledge there is truth in other perspectives. Be open to changing your mind. In the process, you’ll be examining the assumptions on which you base your own decision-making. At the very least, hearing different perspectives may clarify your assumptions.

Assume there is more to learn. It is wise to honor the tried and true ways that knowledge advances. Read widely and wisely, which means not relying on social media or a single source for accurate reporting of the latest news. Any source that gives you a narrow— or worse yet— inaccurate point of view isn’t giving you a clear picture.

Respect what history and science tell us. Often new knowledge appears that changes our basic understandings of how the world works. This scientific, intellectual principle is operating in the fast-growing body of research in how the novel coronavirus works. Acknowledge new evidence and adjust your reasoning and points of view appropriately.

Indeed, the quest for open-minded fairness is at the heart of social justice issues. Open-mindedness asks us to understand our country’s— indeed, the world’s— long history of social and racial inequities and their brutal cost to human lives. The implications are inescapable and may have scarred your family history and personal life. Open-mindedness recognizes the promise of another way to see the world, another path to explore, another friend.

Preparation to vote is a commitment. Don’t expect or settle for a quick end or a once-and-for-all conclusion to your discussions. Integral to this suggestion is a call for patience. Visceral disagreements will not be resolved quickly.

Resist hurrying the discussion because you are uncomfortable and suspect others are too. Allow time for the meaning of words to sink in. Then make a measured response, looking for the shared idea that allows a conversation to continue. Here is where the genesis of new thinking lies. Here is where the resolution of conflict begins. This process is the emotional hard work at the heart of compromise.

It’s a generally accepted truth that people don’t listen well. It’s especially hard to do so when the stakes in the discussion are critical, as they are in the upcoming election. In your political discussions, ask genuine questions. How did you come to your belief? What are you seeing and thinking and feeling that I am not? Is there a common thread that allows us to find a greater good for both of us?

Be especially sensitive to those who have suffered from systemic racism, gender discrimination, ageism, dehumanizing denigration of ableness, and so on— and amplify their voices. Listen generously. Give yourself over to their point of view. As the time-honored suggestion goes, step into their shoes. In doing so you read the situation and allow insights to emerge. You bring stability to the conversation and, most likely, the relationship.

Be sensitive to conversational dynamics. Allow everyone a voice. Divide the time equally among those involved. Don’t be an interrupter. If you listen actively, your conversant will be more likely to do so too. Listening involves images. Picture the line of reasoning you are hearing.

Ask yourself when and why you tune out. Are long-held beliefs worth the cost of failure to understand, as, for example, in the public health implications of a decision not to wear masks?

A good way to examine prejudice and bias is to ask hard questions of yourself. Examine factors that mark your identity, such as your age and social class. Regarding race, for example, ask “Am I guilty of unfair treatment of others?” How and why? How and why not? Civility asks for honest self-examination, not only regarding race but also gender equity, classism, ageism, ableism, educational disparity, and so on.

In answering honestly, we as citizens own up to the prejudice that might be lurking in our heritage and in our lives, possibly erase it, and in doing so own up to social inequities that influence lives--creating a stronger civility in the process.

Political discussions are known to be emotional and disruptive. Prepare for the feeling of being uncomfortable, from mildly so to just plain mad. Tensions will emanate. If you are feeling angst, it is likely others are too. Walk away when anger dominates. Give yourself time for reflection.

Disagreements with family and long-time friends are particularly disconcerting. Convey that you truly want to learn what they believe and why they believe it. In doing so, you put aside notions of right and wrong. Make clear that care and concern are fundamental and hold to that resolve in the face of heated and angry discussion. In searching for points of agreement, you treat others with dignity.

Make room for nuance in your interpretations. Writer and Washington Post opinion columnist Charlie Warzel reminds us that issues are often inappropriately framed as one way or another when they should be thought of in terms of “shades of gray.” Indeed, it is through attention to nuance that points of agreement emerge, allowing ongoing discussion.

Be empathetic. Think of how you feel when you are cared for, and then convey the feeling of one who genuinely cares. Offer and accept the gift of compassion. Doing so may very well help you see the world more clearly.

Learn techniques for mollifying anger, frustration or disappointment: take a deep breath; prepare to keep yourself centered, through prayer, mindfulness, positive self-talk, and personal mnemonics; recognize the full humanity of the person you are arguing with, and the larger humane, civil value of the conversation.

In showing respect, you build trust. Be courteous. Avoid name-calling and inappropriate, foul language. No lying or exaggeration. No snarky insults. Participate in the conversation as an equal, not as one called on to deliver “the truth.” Think of how off-putting it is to hear the opinions of someone who is arrogant or overly fervent. Don’t pretend to have knowledge in matters you know little or nothing about.

Disrespect collects bad company such as defensiveness and stonewalling. All of which gets you nowhere.

Practice tolerance. It is at the heart of human good, and so important in the march for human rights here in the United States, and, indeed, world-wide.

It is best, of course, when apologies are genuine and full-throated. Admit culpability. Name and identify the mistake. Acknowledging the harm that has been done in holding to the behavior, belief, or assumption. Indicate an intention to proceed with new insight as you go forth.

Voting is a great opportunity to have a stake in our democracy, to have a say in who leads our country.

Taken together, civility of the kind I describe here shapes what philosopher Edward Shils calls “an inclusive collective consciousness.” It also supports good the judgment that is fundamental to the common good we know as democracy.

These suggestions ask us to strive for an ideal, to be the best we can manage to be— for the satisfaction of personal growth, certainly— and also because, in striving for fairness, harmony, and compassion, we come to embody the full humanity that is central to our democratic way of life.